God thoughts...

Last Sunday at church, many people came to give us half-hugs, pats on the back, looks of empathy/sympathy. All are much appreciated, kind of weird, b/c we are not used to being noticed.

One dear friend, upon hearing the story of how/why we came to church, said something along the lines of, "God's handiwork is evident in so many ways." He was referencing a few things, I believe:

• The story of how Soph wanted to change clothes, and started to put on her shoes, b/c she wanted to go to church.
• The fact that we moved to Wheaton 1.5 yrs ago, when we had little connection here. I've even commented to Jeannie that once our 7-yr ARM expires, we're moving back up to the NW suburbs. Where we live happens to be 5 miles from Procure, where Soph will get her radiation therapy, and 1 mile from Marianjoy Rehabilitation Hospital.
• How we've found a genuine, good community group here in the SW suburbs, who have embraced us, helped us, supported us.
• How Soph has recovered post-surgery very well, and how her cancer has been downgraded from anaplastic to classic.

All of these can be attributed to the goodness of God (or luck & coincidence, for the God skeptics). God is certainly good in the above circumstances. But as the friend mentioned this, I couldn't help but to also think that God allowed this brain tumor to grow for 3-6 months, or however long it was in there. Is God still good b/c He allowed this to happen?

Before I go on, let me state that I do believe that Jesus is Lord, that he died for our sins, and that He is in control of all things, good and "bad." He is sovereign, almighty, and is the only hope we have in this broken world. Even with trusting the doctors, the treatment, I know that ultimately it is God who can and may heal Sophie. I am not mad at God at all; I don't think anything productive can come by being mad at Him. 

I think that one cannot just "cherry-pick" the things about God that we want to feel warm and fuzzy about. In the past, I would hear a lot of prayer requests about people's health, some very serious. From early on, as early as the college HMCC-Ann Arbor days, I never felt comfortable praying for absolute, complete healing of physical ailments. What if God's will is not for miraculous healing? How about the countless people, children who have left this world? Weren't there armies of people fasting & praying for them to be healed? That is why my prayers do not ask for a miraculous healing; more of a peace with what God's will is. I am afraid that God's will may not be for a miraculous healing, and I don't want to be disappointed if that's the case.

Being a supply chain guy, one of the main priorities in my job is risk management. I coach my team to analyze as many options as possible, identify the level of risk with each option, then present to senior management to make decisions based on the information and data that we give them.

I can't help but to think of the various options and risks associated with Soph in our circumstance, in order of most desired scenario:

1. We go through the next 1+ year of radiation, chemotherapy, etc, and Soph's cancer is vanquished, with no recurrence, and zero/minimal side effects from the treatments.
2. We go through the next 1+ year of radiation, chemotherapy, etc, and Soph's cancer is vanquished, with no recurrence, but with some significant side effects like learning disabilities, spinal issues, etc.
3. We go through the next 1+ year of radiation, chemotherapy, etc, and Soph's cancer is vanquished temporarily, but recurs within the next 5 years, thus severely limiting options for further curing.
4. We go through the next 1+ year of radiation, chemotherapy, etc, but the cancer comes back even during the treatment, and there is nothing we can do.

Now thinking of the scenarios along with God's will is where I get scared and nervous. How can we pray for healing and long-term survival if God's will is #4? Is it a question of faith? Do I just not have enough faith? How can you reconcile the amount of faith and trust with God's will? Can prayers of many changes God's will? That's why my prayers are more for peace with His will, and for Him to be merciful to our family. I'm not afraid to admit to Him that I want option 1, but I am afraid if it's not His will.